Horns

No, this isn't a porno!  Get your sick, perverted mind out of the gutter!  I would never admit and review one of the thousands of porno's I have watched....this morning.  IF you haven't seen this movie yet, check out your instant Netflix streaming and watch it soon.  This was a low expectation movie that sounded kind of dumb but decided to give it a shot.  Half way through I was fascinated by the story and absolutely loved the movie!  The story goes like this; Main character played by Radcliffe is accused of murdering his girlfriend and is basically hated by the entire city.  He starts to fall into a drunk, self exploding life and one morning wakes up with, yet you guessed it, horns!  We have all been there, especially after an all night bender, right?  Well these horns actually make anyone around him confess their darkest feelings and even act on them, which helps him to get to the bottom of what really happened.  This movie is filled with excellent casting (including Radcliffe), amazing soundtrack, perfect symbolism, along with lies and evil that really make an awesome story.  There are many Old Testament type images throughout the movie and the morality isn't so black and white that keeps you guessing.  Give this movie a shot, it was really, really good!

FYI:  Based on the book written by Stephen Kings son.

****

Spare Parts

Guess what movie you get when you take the athletes from the movie, "McFarland USA" and replace them with Nerds?  Give up?  You get the movie, "Spare Parts"!  Or you could say in an insanely un-realistic world where your school is filled with Hispanic Good Will Hunting's, anything is possible!  The best part is, this story is all true.  Living in Phoenix, I was immediately drawn to this movie especially remembering reading about this school and what it has done with its smat kids.  The setting is an inner city high school in Phoenix, filled with mainly un-documented illegals from Mexico.  It turns out that some of them are crazy smart and they enter a robotics competition with the help of a substitute teacher.  I loved this movie!  Yes, there were some holes like being full of cliches and the absence of a single line from Lopez, "What am I supposed to do when your real teacher gets back?"  The cast was really good starting with Jamie Lee Curtis as the principal.  It's still tough to see her as an old high school principal since I grew up watcher her great ta-tas!  Lopez was good with his timing and there was even a part for La-Bamba's brother Bob, which he played great!  This movie had some pretty bad reviews and I cant really understand them.  Inspirational, and a great overall story so my thoughts are how can you not like this true story.  One of the best parts is during the competition, start the ever popular "slow motion" scene of the MIT team walking into the arena; Nerd Alert!!!  This is a must watch!

FYI:  Filmed in Albuquerque but takes place in Phoenix.  Why?  Hugh film tax credits in New Mexico!

****1/2

The Babadook

"Mom, where did I put that creepy book that just showed up at our house one day?"
"What book Honey?"
"You know, the one that makes me go crazier than a shit house rat!"
"Oh, its on the top shelf."
"Thanks, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

When this conversation goes on in your house between your basket-case Mother and her 6 year old son.  Run away fast and don't look back.  Before I get started on this, I want to say that I actually really liked this movie but had a few problems with it that I will sarcastically exaggerate now.  First, the kid is a complete dick!  Well that is what I thought until I met his Mum.  Wow, she is a true candidate for crazy, nut job, mother of the year!  She not only abandons him from time to time, but ignores him, sleeps all day, and drugs him just to shut him up, wait that's me.  Anyway, he finds the creepiest children's book ever written (even giving Little Orphan Annie a run for its money)!  After reading the book, but becomes terrified and his little spoiled cousin doesn't make things any better.  The mom, with her own husband issues is in a haze most of the movie until she discovers that this Babadook is real.  They float in and out of conscience "real time" which is enough to successfully confuse the viewer and make you wonder what is actually happening.  I think they did an excellent job of making you feel the tension and emotions of the characters and like I said I liked it, I just don't think I will watch it again.  Give it a shot if you like child abuse, weird kids books, and creepy evil with a bad case of throat cancer.

FYI:  The director of the original Exorcist said he has never seen a more terrifying movie!

***1/2

Return to Sender

To all of you nurses out there, take a look around the next time your at work and pin point the weird, quiet, and socially awkward co worker of yours.  If you cant find them, sorry to say but, its you.  Now before you ever speak to them again, keep in mind that they may just be the one crazy enough to steal supplies from the hospital for some late night anatomy projects.  Here we go again with Rosamund Pike, playing Amy from Gone Girl all over again.  She better be careful not to pigeon-hole herself as a type cast.  This was a step away from a Lifetime made for TV movie, but I still liked it.  Pike is a nurse, although top of the crazy scale hot, and a little lost in the head, plays the part of a sadistic, crazy woman perfectly.  Well she is attacked and raped by some looser in her town.  She gets him locked up and once paroled, she begins a weird relationship with him.  The whole thing is pretty predictable but I am sure you have already guessed what happens.  The attacker is a real dirt bag and his creepy smile made me want to smash his face.  There was some good revenge and you never really like Pike until the very end.  Dad, played by Nick Nolte, who is about 5 seconds away from death does his part.  There was a lot in the is movie not explained or fitting and it had a loss of writing to it.  This movie is just OK, but nothing special.  I would have liked to see 10 more minutes added to the end scenes, you'll understand once you see it.

FYI:  Rumor Willis is in this for about 10 seconds and is one of the top billed cast.  She did get owned by Pike though!

**1/2

Mcfarland USA

Run Diez, Run!  Bring on the White Guilt!  I have heard that term to describe this movie a few times and makes me laugh, weather its true or not, I just love the fact that race cards are played out so much these days.  So lets talk about McFarland USA the movie.  Hard ass white coach gets kicked to the curb by his over privileged white suburban high school for being to rough.  Gets sent to the poverty stricken high school where most of the kids are super athletes but never had anyone care enough to help them reach their potential.  Along the way coach and students find their heart, inspiration, and overcome their inner anger expressing it through sport.  They then go on to win everything and BAM, the future is all set.  Have you heard this story before?  If you have watched any Disney movie over the last 25 years then you most certainly have!  I feel like Disney has the right ideas but always falls short by being a little too "Disney".  Costner is just OK, he is starting to kind of drive me nuts.  His wife played by Maria Bello, although really hot, needs some more acting classes.  The students were pretty good, but not one of them had a real cross country runners body.  This movie was filled with cheese but I have to admit I liked it and the Diez Mom was great!  Being a runner, I enjoy that stuff, and any sports movie gets me.  They could have done more like added more scenes with the Hispanic hairdresser ;)  Give it a shot, its a good one for the family (for real this time).

FYI:  In Canada, this movie is just titled, McFarland, without the USA.  Friggin Canadians!

***1/2

Area 51

In Hollywood, if you want to make a movie about aliens you have to follow three rules in order to get a Green Light.  Rule #1:  Alien creatures must look like your typical big eye, slender, almond shape head figure that is documented by crazies all over the world.  Rule #2:  You must include an incredibly secret government conspiracy and cover up that almost any college kid with a computer can uncover.  Rule #3:  When reaching an alien space craft, there must be something sticky involved.  Check, Check, and Check!  We have Area 51, not to be confused with the 10 other movies using the same title.  One more thing, just because you throw "From the Directors of Paranormal Activity" on the poster doesn't make it the next big thing.  Here is the skinny on this film.  Found footage, which I like.  College kids become obsessed with sneaking into Area 51 using technology beyond the realm of normal citizens.  Successful break in to one of the countries most heavily guarded facilities only to find the aliens.  The beginning of the movie was very cheesy and has some terrible acting, but it did get better and I actually liked the middle to the end.  Some creepy scenes that were explained and cool new spaceship looks.  Some of the dialogue got very annoying as they would say, "We've come this far, we cant stop" and "This is exactly what so and so was talking about" over and over again.  All in all it was an okay alien film, with not a lot of originality.

FYI:  This film was completed and sitting on a shelf since 2009.  Red flag anyone?

**

The Houses October Built

This touching tale of a lonely man named October, decides to build a house for abandoned Halloween characters.  While struggling with his own mental capacity, he finds love with an unusual suitor.  Together they create a world of happiness opening their hearts to other holidays as well.  When tragedy strikes, they must overcome the curve-ball life has thrown at them and climb back to bliss once again.  Sound good?  Well then, don't watch this movie because that was all a load of crap.  As many of you may know I LOVE Halloween, it is my absolute favorite holiday and I go all out with a haunted house of my own ever year for the neighborhood.  This movie had a great idea but fell a little short.  It is basically about a group of college kids who set out to make a documentary about the most extreme haunts in the country.  They catch wind of these "underground haunts" that use real body parts and go above and beyond what the mainstream haunts do.  They get a little rowdy during some of the filming and don't make too many friends along the way, but low and behold, they find what they are looking for.  As you can imagine it doesn't end well.  I actually really liked this and wish they would have done more with it, it could have been amazing.  Give it a shot, its on Netflix and if you like Halloween, you will likely get a kick out of this.  Now get ready for Devils Night and come to my hood this Oct 31st!

FYI:  There were actual Haunts in TX shown during this film.

****

White House Down

How many bullets can one man dodge before obtaining the status of "Super"?  My guess is the same amount of times the same man can get thrown through a window, out of a speeding car, cracked in the skull with something heavy, and blown up.  If your answer is 12, you aren't even close!  Here we have a perfect recipe for one of the stupidest movies ever, and those of you who think it was good because Tatum was in it, Shut the Fuck UP!  Plot?  Well, Tatum an ex military dude brings his daughter to the White House with him for a job interview with the Secret Service.  Just so happens to be at the same time the house gets jacked by the Secretary of Defense and some terrorists.  There is only one man who can save the Pres, yep you guessed it, Tatum.  Here is my common breakdown showing the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly!  The Good:  uh, er, well, the helicopters?  The Bad:  Other than everything, Jamie Fox as President, not only terrible but news flash, he is black (like that would ever happen).  Also, all of the acting, the dialogue, the cheesy one liners, the fact that Tatum is better equipped to protect the President than the entire us Military and Secret Service.  The Ugly:  The 11 year old daughter basically saves the day being thrown around and with guns smashed in her face.  Not to mention her ridiculous flag waving, slow motion, Armageddon scene at the end.  If you haven't guessed by now, I thought this movie was a big fat turd.  The sad thing is I watched the entire movie!  You're welcome!

FYI:  Tatum and Fox began a romantic relationship during the filming of this movie :)

1/2

Pitch Perfect 2

Aca-scuse me?  We all have a guilty pleasure movie, and in my family this is at the top of the list!  You can read my review on PP1 in the archives, but just saw this highly anticipated movie and of course have some things to say about it.  With the likes of Becca, Fat Amy, Chloe and Bumper showing up for round 2 of A-capella madness, we are introduced to a few new faces that don't disappoint.  If you don't know the story of this movie yet because you haven't seen part 1, then get off your ass and watch it immediately!  In this version the crew is older, and are on a mission to redeem themselves after a mishap in front of the President.  They go on to compete in the World Singing competition and have to face the dreaded Germans who have been #1 for a while.  The German group is awesome and I felt myself routing for them.  They did the better songs and better routines that had me laughing.  The sing off at the rich dudes house was another great part with the Green Bay Packers led by Clay Mathews.  There were some flaws in this movie, I thought the flow didn't really match like in the first film.  The songs weren't as good and the whole thing kind of seemed to be rushed with too much involvement.  I wasn't terribly disappointed but after part 1, there were some pretty big shoes to fill.  After the credits Bumper has a great Voice audition, and once again pretty much makes the movie.  Definitely worth the watch and will make more of a decision on my rating when I watch it again.

FYI:  Ester Dean and Adam DeVine both graduated from high schools in Omaha, NE

***1/2

Ex Machina

Have you ever looked at your toaster or your microwave and thought, "Wow, your hot"?  If so this movie will be your fetish nirvana!  And, your a freak and I will be sure to send you a garbage disposal for your next birthday.  Ex Machina, filled with a smokin' hot robot, an arrogant, billionaire, genius, and a young naive, nerdy, programmer.  Sounds like your last Saturday night?  If so you are one lucky SOB.  First off, this movie kicks ass!  I loved every second of it and came to the end, only wanting more.  The story goes like this; Caleb, a young programmer wins a competition to work for the owner of his company for a week who will let him in on a groundbreaking secret.  Nathan, the owner is an eccentric billionaire, living in complete seclusion.  Nathan has some serious issues and is pretty much a giant dick.  The secret, artificial intelligence, casually created in the form or a beautiful woman.  Caleb is there to test the AI, and see if the robot can pass for human.  Along the way is deception, backstabbing, tension, and a build up of the inevitable.  The story reminded me of Apocalypse Now, when Caleb and Nathan are together.  It was a lot like Col. Kurtz, and Capt. Willard with an evil overtone and mind games with ever sentence.  You will think you have the answers while watching this and even if you do, you wont.  The style was excellent and the story was fresh.  I would highly recommend this film to anyone, just dont go all Terminator on it when its over!

FYI:  The title comes from a Latin phrase meaning "A God from a Machine"

****1/2

Project Almanac

How good would you be avoiding yourself as a future you who just traveled through time?  The more you think about it, the more of a mind blow it really is.  Just take a look at the universe and its infinite changing schematics, then place an ever changing variable in the middle.  This will include a warp of what has happened and what will happen.  Now, after listening to my ramblings and even pretending to understand any of it, know that I don't know what the hell I am talking about!  Project Almanac is the story of the absolute smartest kids in the world discovering a time machine.  They tweak and alter it so that it can be used whenever they want and go wherever they want.  Low and behold, when traveling through time the infinite schematics that I spoke of before, start to drastically alter the universe like the butterfly effect and in short, they really mess shit up!  This was like two movies in one, the beginning consists of cheesy, bad acting, with no joke the smartest kids in the world.  Then it changes into a bit of a tense movie with some good events that keep you watching.  The reality of the boyfriend/girlfriend tension is spot on, and the high school environment was pretty good.  The rest was just kind of bla.  I would give it a shot, it is definitely one of those that will be one stop behind because you can guess what will really happen, but not to bad.  BTW, if your kid is this smart and only gets $500 towards MIT, start applying to some other schools!

FYI:  Each cast member learned their lines in 5 days.  Typical!

***

Maggie

Take every tense, extremely heart pounding scene from The Walking Dead along with every classic, iconic one liner, action packed explosive scene from every Arnold movie.  Now mix them all up and put it into a movie.  What you will get is a film that would be the complete opposite of Maggie!  If you are looking for a high action, blood-fest Zombie movie, this ain't it!  Don't worry though, if you go in expecting an actual drama with real acting, you will most likely like this flick.  This gives us a glimpse into a dark world that has been plagued with a disease that turns you into a flesh eating "zombie".  A father finds out his daughter has been bitten and is doing everything he can to hold himself together and give her support till the very end.  This slow, steady paced movie is dark and depressing putting the viewer into a terrible situation of watching your child transform into a non human thing.  The only alternative is to quarantine the sick in what sounds like a chamber full of hazardous beings, or wait until they change and take care of it yourself.  I really like this movie and thought it had a great moral overtone of personal responsibility and feelings.  Give it a shot, you will be pleasantly surprised by Arnold, and Breslin is always good.

FYI:  In 2011, this film made the Blacklist of most liked scripts that haven't been made.

****

Jimi: All is by My Side

Remember how when you were a kid and the nicely wrapped gift under the tree that had your name on it was on your mind every second of the day?  The one you just couldn't wait to open on Christmas morning knowing it was going to be the present you always wanted!  Then when you opened it up, it was filled with fucking socks!!!  That is how this movie made me feel!  I was shocked when I saw it on Netflix so fast and immediately pushed play.  I feel that there should be some rules when making a Bio-Docu-Drama, (especially when it is of an icon like this).  First and most importantly get the rights to make a true story of the life of your subject or don't make the damn movie.  Second, Get a director who can push the limits a little and show a life time, not just a year of someones life.  Third, don't leave out the most important songs that changed music in that time period (refer to rule #1).  This movie shows only a few years of Hendrix life in London, leaving out any original music he wrote, and basically having no impact on the world other than a few club rats.  It portrayed him as a violent, self destructive, highly influenced, hippie with no care in the world other than making his music big.  The only good parts of this movie was Andre did a pretty good job playing Jimi, and when he gets on stage with Clapton and made him look like a fool.  This movie was wrong, wrong, wrong!  Hendrix being one of the top three best guitar players ever (along with Jimmy Page and Steve Ray Vaughn) should have a much better legacy movie written about him to do him justice.  Get Oliver Stone on the phone and make a better movie!

FYI:  Hendrix step sister who is in charge of his estate would only grant the rights to make the film if she could have full participation.  Obviously they said no.

*1/2

Generation Iron

Your homework assignment:  Go up to a body builder and tell him you can easily be as big as him with steroids.  Apparently these athletes don't really like to hear that, in fact they might fold you up like a tortilla shell and swallow you whole!  Only if it is a protein infused, complex sugar, wheat shell filled with eggs and broiled chicken.  I will admit, I have always been fascinated with body builders and would give anything to have the determination to be that big.  I think the look is awesome and what their life consists of to become a champion body builder is insane!  There is some amazing science that goes into the type of training they go through.  The constant food choices, the sophisticated and intricate lifting, and the pure discipline.  These guys aren't dumb, they just have a single focus and that is to get jacked.  The documentary was really good, I still like Pumping Iron better but this was close.  Giving you insight to stars like Phil Heath (cheating asshole), Kai Green (my favorite), Branch Warren (horse scene is great), and even some old vets show up, Arnold, Lou, Coleman, and Cutler.  If you hate the whole body building scene than you will hate this movie, but judging from the cover, you most likely will never even look at it.  If you can appreciate what these guys do you will love it!

FYI:  Mike Katz has a great scene after the credits, if you have seen Pumping Iron you will get it.

****

Housebound

How easy is it to live in New Zealand anymore?  According to this movie you can blow up and rob an ATM then flee the cops and your punishment?  Go live with your Mum!  My bags are packed!  This little hidden Netflix gem is just what the Dr. ordered!  I am usually not a fan of horror movies that throw in the campy humor but the recipe here was spot on!  Basically you have an early 20's something angry young woman who ends up getting sentenced to her child hood home because of a crime.  Well her Mum tells her that she thinks the place is haunted which creates more drama between the two, who are already estranged.  When the daughter starts to hear bumps in the night she realizes her Mother isn't all that crazy.  Here is the good with this movie:  The Mom is one of the funniest characters I have ever seen in a movie like this.  She is neurotic and innocent but you will love her.  The probation office is witty and has a secret passion to be a ghost hunter.  The main girl is kind of hot and plays the brat perfectly.  She also has one of the longest and most controlled urination scenes in history.  This movie will keep you on the edge of your seat as well as having you laughing at the campy foreign humor.  I would recommend this to anyone, it lives up to its hype!

FYI:  There is a scene with a cheese grater that is great!  You will see! :)

****1/2

Kurt Cobain-Montage of Heck

Check your age at the door!  Did you grow up in the 90s?  Did you like "alternative/punk/rock"?  Are a fan of Nirvana or even know who Kurt Cobain is?  Well get ready for the ride of your life!  No, I'm not talking about the movie, I am talking about my review!  There are two sides to this documentary; one showing a pretentious, self loathing, pity party lead singer of a band who is constantly fishing for compliments pretending to think their music sucks.  It also is the story of a damaged young man who has been battling his own demons and competing with his genius and lack of acceptance in his younger days.  This all fueled with drugs and rapid rise to fame.  You decide, but I have made up my mind and lost a lot of respect for Cobain (if I ever had any) after watching this film.  I found myself saying "Who do you think you are"?  You cant be anti-everything mainstream just because it is mainstream!!!  Not to mention where the hell was Dave Grohl?  There was some good here, as a documentary film it showed a nice complete start to finish of the life of Cobain.  It was a good mixture of how he likely viewed the world from his own eyes overshadowed by a haze of depression and drugs.  I agree that he single handedly changed the face of music for a generation and was a musical genius.  The long movie was filled with conflicting stories from family and friends. It showed how Courtney Love played the part of Yoko well.  But again, where was Grohl!?  I wish I hadnt watched this movie but curiosity killed the cat, I liked to think of Nirvana as something different and would have liked to see a Docu on Nirvana not just Cobain.  I think Grohl actually bowed out not wanting anything to do with this movie, regardless of the rumors.  Last question, did anyone around the biggest band in the world ever think to mention an intervention or help for the sinking lead?

FYI:  Frances Bean apparently left the viewing of this film saying, "You made the movie I wanted to see".

***1/2

Run All Night

Here we go again Liam, another type case, bad ass, who has a particular set of skills!  How many of these will good ole Neeson milk?  This was more of a cross between Next of Kin, and Taken.  Here is the case with this movie, I actually liked the plot and story line.  It was still your typical action/revenge movie but had some good things to help keep it interesting.  In all honesty I would have liked this movie better without Neeson's character.  The gangsters, the son, and the family were all more interesting.  I did like how Neeson played a low life in this with a dark past, but (Yawn) we've seen it all before.  Here is the scoop; Nesson is a looser/hit-man for a mob boss (Harris).  Harris has a son that is a spoiled coke head and gets himself into a little trouble with some drug dealers.  Neesons son happens to see the crime and ends up with a target on his head.  Well in order to protect him, Neeson kills the gangsters son and, you guessed it, all hell breaks loose!  If you didnt follow all of that, you will, its pretty paint by numbers.  Here are some ugly issues I have:  The end is a cheesy over dramatic scene straight out of Hollywood.  The son has more bullets in his gun than anyone else in the movie.  Common, (oh, did I forget to mention he was in this) has cheesier lines in this movie than Sylvester Stallone.  Give it a shot if you can see it for free and you like action, otherwise just wait for TBS.

FYI:  Nick Nolte had so much screen time cut from this film they didn't even credit him at the end.

**1/2

Big Driver

What a tease!  This chick was asking for it and got exactly what she deserved!  Quit crying!  So he got a little rough with you, that's what love is!  Now take everything I just said and think of the psychos out there that actually think that way about an innocent woman brutally attacked, repeatedly raped, and left for dead.  The world is full of sick, twisted people, and Stephen King brought it to life with Big Driver.  Here is the story; Beautiful woman who writes suspense novels is invited to a small town for a book signing when her car breaks down just out of the populated area.  Who comes to her rescue, a gigantic in-bread truck driver who takes it upon himself to practically destroy this poor woman.  Well, in perfect King fashion, she comes back for revenge uncovering a number of other disturbing issues at hand.  When it comes to backwoods small towns and the local idiots who live in them, King nails it.  This definitely had the made for TV type feel with the exception of the attack, but I enjoyed it anyway.  Bello is hot so that helped, and the Big Driver was crazy disgusting.  The story of her being a writer helped to add to her own neurotic-ness but didn't add a whole lot other than her suddenly becoming a detective.  Lots of holes and could have been much better but it didn't suck.  Give it a shot and next time you get a flat tire, don't let a mutant truck driver help!

FYI:  Stephen King is the voice of the GPS in this movie

***

V.H.S. Viral

Whats more scary than a video tape that shows footage of creepy random acts of murder?  Apparently when they come true!  Or the fact that people still use VHS tapes in the first place!  Bad example with this movie as most of it is digital and online footage but still cant escape the name.  I'm sure most kids didn't watch this because they have no idea with VHS is.  This is the third installment of the VHS series and I have to be honest, I love them!  If you haven't seen any, definitely watch them and prepare yourself for something different.  The films contain a number of stories that don't necessarily tie together but show creepy things going on, usually resulting in murder.  In this one, we cut back and forth to a story of a young man trying to help his girlfriend who has been kidnapped by some psychopath, and he is filming the whole thing!  Sound stupid and typical?  It really kind of is, but entertaining to the fullest.  The stories are always a little different and not quite what you expect which keeps you wanting more.  Give it a shot, but I would suggest watching the other two first.  Now go video tape something, and not an amateur bedroom scene!

FYI:  Rob Zombie was set to direct this installment but the studio wouldn't agree to his story changes.

***

Get Hard

Prison education 101.  What is the difference between a Shiv and a Shank?  Don't ever ask a con what he is in for.  Lock down and lights out, keep your butt facing the wall.  If you ever get convicted of a crime that is sending you to the big house, find someone to teach you these lessons!  If not, be prepared to become someones bitch.  I cant get enough of Kevin Hart, I think he is one of the funniest comedians today.  Ferrell is always good in my opinion and has a quirky comedic sense to his delivery.  The movie itself was just okay, noting special and I wouldn't pay to see it, but I did laugh out loud a few times.  The story plays out with Ferrell being a stock broker / millionaire who works for his fiance's dad.  He ends up getting set up as an inside trader and scam artist and get sentenced to a maximum security prison.  He hires the local wannabe entrepreneur (Hart) to teach him about prison strictly because he is black.  I'm sure you can figure out the rest of the story but give it a watch for mindless TV.

FYI:  Hart auditioned to be a cast member on SNL and didn't get it?!?!

***1/2

John Wick

Lesson #1:  Kill a mans dog and prepare to be annihilated!  Lesson #2:  Mess with a mans car and prepare to be annihilated!  Lesson #3:  If your Daddy is a major kingpin in a crime organization including hit-men, ask him before you go for a nightly home invasion.   With a touch of Ted Theodore Logan, Reeves puts on a pretty stellar performance.  This might be my new favorite Keanu movie yet.  He plays a retired hit man who is living his life in solace after his wife dies.  Before she died, she bought him a puppy to take care of and was a constant reminder of her.  Enter Russian thugs who steal his car, beat him down, and kill his dog.  What these idiots didn't know what that the home they just invaded was residence to John Wick, the baddest of them all in the killing profession.  Now he is out for blood, and decides to single handedly take out the crime syndicate.  There are some really bad ass scenes in this movie and is action packed with a lot of sugar on top as you root for the main killer.  I would suggest watching this to turn any negative about Reeves around.  If you follow the 3 lessons above, you may just make it through the night!  Definitely a guilty pleasure type of movie.

FYI:  This is the 6th movie that Reeves plays a character named John.

***1/2

Interstellar

This movie could have very well been titled, "How Dumb are You?"  If you are one of these people who say, "of course I understand it, I cant believe you don't"  You are a pretentious, lying, dick!  No one understands this movie, not even Christopher Nolan, so don't even act all sciency, your not Stephen Hawking.  I, on the other hand will now explain it to you.  In the not so distant future, Earth has relished into a state of famine and drought and on a path for Human existence to become extinct.  A team of scientists and astro-nauts, physicists, and all around smart guys get together and come up with a plan to find a new earth.  All they do is find a mysterious rip in the space-time continuum, pass through a wormhole using electro magnetic spectrum, sync two alternating solar systems and align planetarium leaps with anti-static speed coalition, and bam!  New Earth!  Well, of course things go wrong, im sure you guessed and the balance of the human race falls into the hands of one man, (Que the Alright, Alright, Alright quote).  All in all I really liked this movie, even if what I just said was jibberish and I have no idea what really happened in the movie.  I thought the idea was cool, and really loved to hate Matt Damon.  Check it out, but eat a banana before hand to get those brain cells working.

FYI:  Kip Thorn who worked on this film won a scientific bet with Stephen Hawking based on the underlines of Interstellar.  Hawking then had to subscribe to Penthouse for a year.  Nerds are cool!

***1/3

It follows

Here is a movie that brings the saying "Screwing your way to the top" a new meaning all together!  Now think back to your child hood neighborhood and remember all of the friends you had while growing up.  There is always the house with the screwed up family, right?  The ones who always seem to have the dark cloud over their heads.  Now quit being a judgmental asshole and think they may have had more going on than you think, like evil spirits terrorizing them!  Its likely.  This movie was absolutely awesome!!  Set in the Detroit suburbs, in the present but with a great 80's overtone with outstanding music and style.  It was a slow, steady tense type of movie that has you intrigued from the very start.  The story line could have been played out cheesy but was set up really well.  The premise is an evil spirit attaches itself to you and will follow you changing images until it reaches you to kill.  This evil entity is passed on from someone else through sex, and if it gets you, it moves down the line to go after whoever else has had it.  Might sound dumb, but trust me it was intense!  I loved the fact there were no goofy monsters or ghosts, just this evil that is traveling to murder.  One of my new favorite horror movies that I will definitely recommend.  That will teach you to sleep around!

FYI:  The concept of this film was from a reoccurring nightmare that the director had growing up.

*****

Starred Up

Ever heard the term, "one bad apple spoils the bunch"?  Well in this case there are quite a few rotten ones.  I came to the conclusion if you throw a criminal in a group of good people, they will eventually turn like him.  If you throw a good person in a group of criminals he will get shanked behind the laundry.  There is a reason there are prisons, and a reason I love prison movies!  Wow!  This hidden gem was incredible!  19 year old kid who has been in and out of detention centers is prematurely transferred to an adult prison due to his violent actions.  He just so happens to end up in the same joint as his dear old Dad, who has been in since the kid was 5.  This kid is destined to make a name for himself and decides to kick the shit out of everyone in his path!  He is invited to join a group hosted by a volunteer to help troubled and violent prisoners only to have it all messed up by Dad.  This is a really good story about this kids life and coming to terms with his transition and the hierarchy of the prison system.  I have heard a few comments of people thinking it is boring but I completely disagree!  Definitely give this a watch, you wont be disappointed.  And stay out of trouble!

FYI:  Starred up is a term used for those being moved up to an Adult prison

****1/2

The Bag Man

Think of this movie as a Pinterest recipe.  Take an A list actor, a used to be A list actor, a creepy familiar actor, a hot chick with a bad accent, a midget, and a suspenseful plot with a mysterious bag.  Place ingredients in a mixing bowl, let it fester for 2 hours, now find out it is no where near the original Pinterest post and realize it sucks!  This movie would have been a great fit for the mid 90's suspense/thrillers like Albino Alligator, Palmetto, Wild things, you know the type of movie.  Ones that would have went straight to video if not for the one or two A lister's that took up the budget.  I think Cusack is awesome and DeNiro is the Man, but what a stretch for a pay day this was.  Premise:  Loyal hit man working for Richie-Rich takes on the challenge of holding a bag in a scumbag hotel for the night and runs into all sorts of problems.  I.E.  Cops, Pimps, Hookers, wheelchair clad creepo front desk operator, etc.  That's about it, his adventures were enough to keep me watching but once was enough for this flick.  Netflix instant, but you should wait for nothing else to be on, or watch and relive the 90's video store check out.  

FYI:  All of the paintings at the end of the movie are from DeNiro Sr.

*1/2

Avengers Age of Ultron

Classic tale of a couple of smart guys acting stupid again!  Way to go egg heads, you just created a crazed, maniac, artificial intelligent robot that wants to destroy the world. Oops!  I guess we better get the band back together.  Here is the deal, I LOVE these Marvel movies!  I cant get enough of them, and turn into a giant nerd when they come out.  I mean, seriously we were at the theater an hour early, after buying the tickets the night before.  Dont get me wrong, this movie was really awesome, but I was let down.  I felt like it was the exact same movie as Avengers part 1.  All of the elements are there:  Each member has their own hidden demons that separate them and make them piss in each others cereal.  Then earth gets invaded by an evil villain.  Then the Avengers assemble as friends to work together and destroy the enemy.  Sound familiar, that's because you saw it a few years ago with part 1.  I wanted more Hulk, but his fight scene was great.  Now for the cool parts, Thor and Cap really roided up for this one, and looked awesome.  Iron Man was great with his one liners, and Hawkeye had a great back story.  Even the new additions were cool, and liked how they were introduced.  But the one who stole the show was Spader as the voice of Ultron.  He was the perfect cast!  Good tie in to Guardians of the Galaxy and some obvious spin off movies references.  All in all I had fun watching this and will watch it again, (and again).  I was just hoping for more story.  Avengers 3 & 4 are in production so keep your fingers crossed for the bar being raised even higher!

FYI:  Scarlet Johansen was pregnant at the time of filming and either used a double or her belly was CGI'd out.

***1/2

Kingsman the Secret Service

Being a proper spy isint easy!  Take this super secret services agency from the UK, complete with its cheeky snarl and bloody sophisticated demeanor.  Yes, I'm talking about the Kingsman.  Oh, you haven't heard of them?  Thats why they are the SECRET service!  This movie was pretty cool, and fun.  Not to be taken seriously at all with some cool British actors who turn out to be complete bad asses.  I feel like this movie had two different writers and directors working on it at the same time.  One was a Disney executive, and the other part of Tarantino's crew.  There were parts of this move that were extremely brutal and threw me for a loop, along with some great adult humor (If you save the world, we can do it in the butt)!  Then we would have parts that were Disney cheese, with the same music as the Avengers.  The Excalibur references were great, and the British slang was perfect.  I didn't really understand the Samuel L Jackson lisp, but he was comical along with his legless Hench-women.  I would definitely suggest this quarky, dark humored flick, and remember, Manners make the Man!

FYI:  Oscar Pistorius was originally approached to play Jackson's Henchman,  we all know how that turned out.

****

Coldwater

The next time you are doing a drug deal, try not to piss off the thugs you are selling to.  Especially if they overheard you talking about a party you are going to be at later that night.  Just a free piece of advice.  IF you are asking why?  Don't worry about it, and deal away!  This was a great hidden Netflix gem along the lines of "Dog Pound".  It had a bit of a made for TV feel to it, but enough real cinema at the end to stray away.  This is you basic kid prison movie but has some really good characters in it.  The main dude is good and could be a young Ryan Gossling, or even Adam Levine.  The premise is this, hard core juvenile detention center run by a sadistic ex military hard ass who appoints former inmates as caregivers.  Sound like a good formula?  Well thing obviously go awry and the proverbial shit hits the fan.  There are some good fight/torture/escape scenes in this and I loved the revenge scenario.  This will not be a waste of time and its a freebee on Netflix so there is no excuse.

FYI:  The first draft of this movie was written by a kid fresh out of high school in 1999

****