Get On Up

Flashback, flash forward, flash sideways, flash circular.  Cut, paste, repeat.  Once you have that unnecessary formula for a movie, place each section in non chronological order and leave out the follow up.  And, cut!  You have a biopic film about one of the greatest performers, song writers and singers ever.  Confused yet?  Well I think most would agree that you should be.  It's a must that a movie be made featuring the Godfather of Soul, as he had some of the greatest songs of our time.  They fell short with this one, maybe because you can always compare to Walk the Line, and Ray, which were made using bits of the same formula but left out the placement mess and third person camera talk.  Boseman did a pretty good job of the moves and speech of James Brown, but was so raspy most times that you couldn't even understand him.  He had a hard time opening his mouth to actually get the dialogue out and came off as a huge dick!  Brown had a larger than life personality and it was caught by only a fraction throughout this 2 1/2 hour movie.  There are also so many great songs performed by this singer and they only showed very small parts of his performances that left you wanting so much more.  The story of his life is great and although I like the mixed time period writing, this was way over the top.  For instance when he finally sees his mother again after 20 years was so underwhelming it made no sense creating who he really was.  I wanted so much more from this and would rate it just a little higher than the Hendrix movie.  Not impressed, but would say its worth a watch just to learn more about the life of the Hardest Working Man In Show Business.

FYI:  Produced by Mick Jagger who Brown shrugged off in real life when they first met.

***

Mad Max-Fury Road

Pop quiz!  You find yourself trapped in a post-apocalyptic world where water is scarce, savages have taken over with the power of gasoline, gunpowder and machines. Oh, and most of the warriors are brainwashed into believing if they die in battle, they will return as an immortal covered in chrome.  What three items do you bring with you?  If you didn't say a gun, lots of bullets, and an armored car, you failed the quiz!  The best word to describe this movie is WOW!  Watching it is seriously like a roller coaster ride that is full speed for 2 hours.  There are only 2 or 3 times where you can catch your breath.  Growing up watching these movies I was expecting a lot, and got a lot!  George Miller, coming off of his last few movies (Happy Feet, and Babe) brings you into a world that is chaotic, violent, and perfectly created for this movie.  There were many elements from the other Max films brought into this one with a more personal story line.  The filming and score was absolutely perfect with a cast that nailed it.  This movie successfully accomplished, with very little dialogue, a clear character back story, reasoning, and madness that sucks you in and has you on the edge of your seat for the entire movie.  Another must see theater movie that you should run, not walk to see before it is gone.  My opinion; best movie of the year so far!

FYI:  Mel Gibson was actually Millers first choice to be the lead.  Thank God cause Tom Hardy is Awesome!

*****

Jurassic World

Hey everyone!  Did you know they made another Jurassic Park movie?  If you didn't you must be living in a Cambodian Prison Camp!  This movie made history last weekend as the highest grossing opening weekend ever!  I read a critic review before I saw it titled, "10 things wrong with Jurassic World".  One of the reasons actually said, "They didn't have an accurate depiction of what a dinosaur actually looks like."  Really, you seriously put that in print?  What the hell do you know what they actually looked like, not to mention any fan watching the movie.  Another thing they said was that it was completely unrealistic because no one would redo this theme park after what happened in the first movie.  I say, how many times in history has man decided to redo something that failed thinking he could do it better?  Probably about a billion times!  Not to mention, it is a MOVIE, about modern day Dinosaurs!  This movie was awesome!  Chris Pratt is the man and the story of this was really great.  I am so happy when Hollywood decides to resurrect a movie franchise and actually takes the time and money to create good writing and acting and not just rely on the special effects.  This movie will keep you intrigued from the very start, and gives you more of a connection with the actual dinos.  Somewhat predictable, and has some typical Tinsel Town stuff to cater to the masses.  All in all, they really did a good job with this one.  This is a must see in the theater movie, just wait for a few weeks, we stood in line for over an hour.

FYI:  Jimmy Buffett is seen in this movie grabbing two margaritas from his table when the dinos attack!

****1/2

Poltergeist

"You moved the gravestones, but you left the bodies didn't you, you son of a bitch!"  Remember that classic line from the original?  Well it wasn't in it, as a matter of fact they left most of the classic scenes and lines from the original, and as a big fan it really pissed me off!  Look Hollywood, if your going to remake a classic, you better be damn good.  You are already setting yourself up for failure by jumping into the non original remake scene, but do it right especially if your spending the money.  This movie was rushed!  There was too much focus on a backstory, with no actual backstory.  The characters were too used to the haunting too quickly.  By the time the professor got there they were all like, "oh, yeah, shit flies around on its own here".  The bad, so many major elements left out or changed:  Caroline changed to Maddie?  No Pool?  No Maggots in the meat?  Complete downplay of the clown?  No midget (Peter Dinkledge would have been perfect for this part)!  There really was no substance to this remake, but was somewhat enjoyable if you haven't seen the original.  There were some better actors this go around but disappointing.  Wait for Netflix on this one, but still give it a watch.

FYI:  Fans of this film started buying items from the actual set including the blue laundry basket.

**1/2

The Prince

If you have seen this movie on Netflix but passed over it a hundred times, you wouldn't be the only one.  I passed it up for a good two weeks before giving it a shot, and was pleasantly surprised at this hidden gem.  I like to dissect movies like this that have flown under the radar.  Lets start with the poster, two of the three actors on it are in this film for about 7 minutes each.  Which actors?  Here is a hint, they are the A listers.  Next what is a Prince?  "A male royal ruler, most commonly the son of a King or Emperor".  What does this have to do with the movie?  Not a damn thing.  You can analyze it all you want, but come on, it was a last minute decision on the writers part.  Well, with low expectations going in, it turns out that I really liked this movie!  It was underrated from the start and the build up of the main character is really good.  Jason Patrick transforms from a nerdy, boring auto mechanic, to a complete bad ass, killing machine.  His daughter and her friends are idiots, and the perfect example of how college girls act and think anymore.  This was kind of a Taken rip off, but in many ways more watchable story.  Give this one a shot, and if you have a daughter, keep her out of New Orleans.

FYI:  50 Cent makes an appearance, and this is the third film he is in with Bruce Willis.

**1/2

The Philly Kid

Always wanted to be an MMA fighter?  Well, now you can!  All you need is a wrestling background, a few weeks of training in an old gym, and you become the best of the best!  Don't worry that you haven't mastered the arts of martial arts, boxing, or the rules, those details will just take care of themselves.  Oh, and if you've been in prison for the last 10 years, that helps as well!  Another Netflix almost made for TV, B action film comes to life with the Philly Kid (the title alone should scare you away).  If your in the mood for cheesy acting, cliche after cliche, and punches that sound like a dump truck smashing sides of beef, then this is the movie for you!  Familiar story of a star wrestler in the wrong place at the wrong time who gets locked up for 10 years, only to emerge as an MMA God.  Of course he has to fight to save the life of his bestie and is getting harassed by the fuzz.  Not to mention his fights are officiated by the worst refs in the game.  The only redemption of this film are the actual fight scenes and that I was entertained for 90 minutes.  This is one of those nothing else to watch films if you like MMA, and if you want a good movie on the topic, watch Warrior.  Now go train for a week and Dana White will be on your phone in no time!

FYI:  Nearly biting your own tongue off intentionally is a sure way to get recognized in the fight world.

**1/2

The Nightmare

You know those dreams you have that seem so real it's almost like its actually happening?  Well apparently it really is happening, and demons, aliens and shadowy people are in your room terrorizing you!  Oh, you don't believe me?  Just watch "The Nightmare", its a crappy documentary, if you can call it that, about people that have a condition called Sleep Paralysis and the horrors that come along with it.  What happens is they start to fall asleep and just as they do, they become completely paralyzed but are totally conscience.  Well when that happens to the unlucky pseudo-sleepers, in walks the demons, aliens, claws, devils, shadow people to terrorize, posses, and even have sex with them.  The weird part is when they wake up, there is nothing there and everything is exactly the same????  It's called a Bad Dream you fuckin idiots!  This is a weak documentary that is scripted, fake and totally over dramatic.  It would have been awesome if they would have actually made it into a fiction horror movie but these people are convinced that there are demons out to get them when they are in this paralyzed state.  These freaks disregard any scientific explanation by saying, "the doctors just say that because they don't know".  One lady actually said an ink like substance emitted from her body because that is what the demons eat!  This is Narcissism at its finest with everyone thinking that this is all a huge conspiracy to keep them in the demons grasp.  Apparently the only saving grace is to say, "In Jesus Name" and it all goes away, for a while.  Call me a skeptic, but what a load of crap!

FYI:  Some countries believe certain vegetables are bad omens, but it doesn't mean they are demons!
*1/2

Enemy

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!

Lets reveal whats behind curtain #1!  Have you ever had a day where you are constantly arguing with yourself about your life's decisions and what your next move is?  Well you aint got nothin on this dude!  Ready for the plot and my interpretation of the film?  Jake Gyllenhaal is a lonely college history professor who leads a very boring life with the same repeating events happening daily.  Jake Gyllenhaal is a not so well known actor with a more exciting life going to bizarre sex clubs and married to a pregnant wife.  The twist, they are two separate people who look exactly alike!  Even down to the scar on their chest.  Once they find each other and meet, paranoia and tension sinks in deep.  The movie is covered in controlling overtones and repeating patterns that is a constant inevitable loop.  With a hazy strange yellow overtone, the viewer ventures into the minds of damaged men battling in their own self conscience.  Filled with infidelity and mistrust, while watching this you will want to search for the clues to understand, (Photos, work, 6 months, mom, spiders).  I hope I haven't spoiled too much but this is a must watch!  It has a slow steady pace that may seem boring to some but personally I liked the build up.  Not to mention Gyllenhaal turns almost everything he does to gold.  Watch this movie and keep an open mind looking for clues and try to figure it out for yourself first, then go here and hear the real explanation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9AWkqRwd1I

FYI:  The next time you see a spider and step on it, your a sexist, chauvinistic, coward pig!!

****

We Are Still Here

Note to self:  When I move into a new house and things mysteriously start to go bump in the night, get the fuck out!  Especially minutes after the creepy new neighbors from down the road show up unexpectedly and tell me stories about how the house was a funeral parlor and the owners were run out of town due to selling the corpses.  Smells like trouble Shaggy, and I don't think old man Wilson is behind this one!  This is actually a nice hidden little gem, although it turns into a bit of a Scooby Doo episode towards the end, it was still pretty tense.  The slow build ups in it were a lot like the films made by Ti West (The Innkeepers, House of the Devil, etc) and tossing in the early 80's period like he always does helps the creepy, low budget film quality that I remember growing up.  There was a funny Male chauvinistic tone about women actually driving (progressive) and the hippie dude is a great ice breaker.  The story is a couple has lost their son in an auto accident and decide to move and start a new life, unfortunately they just so happen to move into the most haunted house in the world and the whole town knows about it.  Kind of a played out theme, but the movie bring some real originality.  The best part of the deaths are the wood chipper style blood splatters!  Give it a shot, late at night, home alone, in the new house you just bought.

FYI:  All of the characters in this movie are named after other horror movie characters as a tribute.

***1/2

Larry Gaye: Renegade Male Flight Attendant

I am convinced, there is a bar hidden somewhere in underground Hollywood, where they have poker tournaments.  In this bar you can look around and see A list directors, producers, actors, and agents.  You can also see no name, wannabe, scum bags who will do anything to get into the Fame Game.  Well they don't gamble with money at this sacred place, they gamble with scripts and actors.  The idiots behind this film bet the farm, and won!  Don't believe my theory?  First watch this missed opportunity movie that rates right up there with the worst of franchises like "Movie 43", "Not Another Teen Movie", and "Scary Movie".  Second, check out the star power, (Romijn, Tucci, Diggs, Alexander, Harden, Winkler, Shannon).  Third, watch the movie!  This could have been good with only a few slightly laughable parts, most coming from the stars who were only in it for a few seconds.  Basically, Gaye, who is actually a straight, womanizing flight attendant lives a life of jet setting, and winning flight attendant awards only to find out he has a son.  He is also facing the challenges of the industry trying to phase out all flight attendants.  Overall, predictable, and dumb.  A movie like this, even being dumb should be filled with laughs, this failed on that level through 90% of the movie.  Pass on this, unless you are really curious.

FYI:  Flight attendants only get paid for "Flight Time"  that means after the doors are closed and you are moving.  So be nice when they are helping with your bags, jerk!

*

Sabotage

Ready for a guilty pleasure flick with all of the classic token cliches?  Let me introduce "Sabotage"!  Instantly streaming on your Netflix screen, you can see Ahnold as yet another bad ass in a modern day Predator.  Ready for the cliches?  Here you go!  I highly trained team of total bad ass DEA, undercover agents, each with different yet over the top personalities.  All having attitudes and no respect for anyone other than the team.  Throw in a black dude (gangster), a trailer hot, crack head chick who is also bad ass.  Led by the veteran with a haunted past (Ahnold).  Now include hundreds of "F" bombs to ensure its not a Disney flick, naked strippers, a drug cartel, and two uptight detectives.  Sound familiar?  If you have watched an action flick this century it should.  Amidst the horrible reviews and classic internet trolls tearing this movie apart, I absolutely loved it!  Seriously, just look at the poster above and tell me this is an Oscar contender.  Its not, and you know its not going in.  I would put this up there with my top 5 Arnold movies ever (Terminator, Predator, Running Man, Commando, Total Recall).  The other actors are cool, yes they are over acting the bad boy parts, but its a dude flick through and through.  Great movie you should watch!  Now get to the choppa!

FYI:  Best line by Arnie: "Look at you with your 48% body fat!"

***1/2

The Interview

Eminem, I knew it!  You cant hide any longer!  It's about time I watched this movie since it has been on my Netflix list since last Christmas.  The Interview has conspiracy written all over it, i'll explain.  This movie was made with the obvious cover up of "freedom of speech".  Many of you may not know that once the movie was marketed the focus was on censoring due to the safety of America and the back lash North Korea would have after its surfacing.  Once the attention was on the film itself, two things happened.  One, a group of Korean activists hacked into Sony/Paramount pictures in order to expose the Western Pigs and their liberal agenda.  Two, the United States military sent in a team to assassinate the North Korean dictator under the radar.  This is an actual theory I read by a group of internet trolls who claim to have actual evidence, out of their parents basement.  People really blew this movie way out of proportion.  Although it was a really funny movie, it wasn't so much propaganda, than it was comedy.  Franco is a slime ball host of a celebrity interview show, and his producer played by Rogen find out Kim Jong-un is a big fan of the show.  They land an interview with him only to be set up by the CIA to assassinate him.  These two idiots fumble their way through in a Rogen style comedic way.  It was pretty hilarious and would recommend watching anytime.  Franco plays his funniest role yet.

FYI:  We are still waiting for the Korean back lash...............still waiting..................

***1/2

Preservation

My wife tells me that non organic milk is filled with hormones and not good for kids.  Well, the kids in this movie must drink a few gallons a day because they are invincible, sadistic killing machines!  This Netflix film is another example of what not to do in a crisis situation, ever.  Plot:  Two brothers and a wife go camping/hunting in a closed state park.  They wake up on morning uno,only to find all of their belongings gone, including the tents right over their heads.  They begin to be terrorized and hunted by a group of maniacs in the woods.  Problem #1, the killers are high school kids on bicycles.  Problem #2, they are skilled marksmen and hand to hand combat effective to take on Kimbo Slice.  Problem #3, the first of their victims is an Army Infantry bad ass.  All of these things are pretty common, right?  The absolute worst part of this film was every time, and I mean Every, Single, Time, one of these adults got the best of these masked terrors, they turned their back on them and got taken down.  Unfortunately I like the "couple getting terrorized" type movies and even though this was pretty bad, it kept me interested.  There is so much more these movies could have but always fall short.  Another one I would suggest checking out only if you need pure mindless watching of a horror flick.

FYI:  The yuppie brother is a dick and gets what he deserves!

*1/2

The Human Centipede 3

This may just be a preface to Sheriff Joe Arpaio's last days as the warden!  The third installment of this wonderful trilogy fails on so many levels that I cant believe it was even made, (and I have watched some serious crap in my day)!  Unfortunately this is one of those "B" movies that continue to keep drawing you in just due to the fact that it is so bad it becomes comical.  I am pretty sure Tom Six, the director and appearing as himself, found a trunk full of money and decided to spend making really, really shitty movies.  I have to say I did like certain parts of this like the warden, his acting and character was so over the top that he had me laughing full out on a number of occasions (reminded me of Larry).  They didn't come close to the disgusting filmography of the last two which had me dry heaving.  Also, one of the most surprising parts of this film were the actors they got to participate.  Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't Brad Pitt, or Emma Stone, but very recognizable like Eric Roberts (king of B), Deebo (you know, from Friday), Robert LaSardo (Mexican dude with a billion tattoos in 100 movies), and don't forget Bree Olson (don't act like you don't know her :).  All in all, this movie was complete crap, trash, and may be the front runner for worst movie of the year, but if you have watched the first two, it is a must see!  Last but not least, this movie gives true meaning to ATM!!

FYI:  The premier of this film had viewers actually vomiting, stupid.

*1/2

The Ouija Experiment

In a world, with the worst actors in history, the lowest budget ever, and a cliche horror topic, comes "The Ouija Experiment"!  What to say about this new release on Netflix.  Well, for starters it is another found footage horror film (which I love, btw) but for some reason, and some how it magically goes from one guy having a camera, to everyone having one.  Then, as a found footage should have, a flashback scene?????  Wouldn't you know, they don't follow the essential rules of the board and let the damn demons in!  What demons you ask? I know you don't really care but apparently a little girl drowned and her mom killed the simpleton neighbor along with herself all in the house years before.  Those demons.  Here are a few things a low budget horror movie needs that were not included in this thing.  1. A plot that at carried for at least 90 minutes.  2. Gratuitous nudity.  3. Any sort of a lead up to the actual story.  I will give this movie one thing, it did have a few jump scares, and some tense moments but I really had to put myself into it which was a pretty big waste of time.  I would say watch this if you are absolutely out of everything else to watch and are also reading a book, knitting a sweater and painting.

FYI:  The budget for this film was $1200.  Seriously, $1200.

*1/2